| Woah, hey livejournal |
[Jul. 30th, 2007|02:55 am] |
I swear I never update this thing.
I live in Georgia now, and it's WIERD. It's going to take me a while to adjust, and it's strange 'cause some of my favorite people on earth live here and I get to hang out with them and stuff, and I find myself lonely and bored, 'cause I don't have things to choose from, and you have to drive everywhere, and it's extremely humid and there are a million bugs and cockroaches here are everywhere outside and they are the size of your hand and they FLY!!!!
I don't like that.
it's gonna be all right though. It will be. |
|
|
| Hello summer. Hello. |
[May. 16th, 2007|01:43 am] |
It's summer.....well at least in my mind, the weather has been consistent, I'm wearing tank tops and making shorts out of old pants. Okay so the weather was rainy and crappy today, but my mindset is summer.
I feel that my time in this city is over, I am into seeing and enjoying as much as i can. My head is clear, and I am anticipating August more and more and more. My mind has been racing a mile a minute full of ideas. There are a million books I want to buy, along with new music. I am inspired. Okay wait I shouldn't say my head is completely clear, I have been imbibing, but I have some self control.
I'm on the celibacy wagon again. My new strategy is to have blown up pictures of std's on my wall. I just don't feel it. I was plugged in for a minute there, and somehow convinced myself that i wasn't acting like a damn fool but guess what...duh duh duh....I was acting like a damn fool, and felt my heart hurt. again. I need to make better choices. I need to stop looking at these hot young things. So tempting...but no! Must focus on life. yes.
I have things to look forward to, I'm dj'ing Chances next week, work oppurtunities, barbecues, going to venture to wisconsin next week, brad's coming in a few weeks, then friends birthdays, my birthdays, a trip to upper michigan, signing a lease on a new place to live in a much warmer climate.
yuppers. |
|
|
| The end of the semester lies in wait.... |
[May. 1st, 2007|06:43 pm] |
and I feel the weight of its burden upon my arthritic shoulders.
I've been in hiding since friday, focusing on work and school. I had my first final today, history, and it was fairly painless. I studied and made notecards, there were no surprises, and feel a sense of relief, one down three more to go.
This afternoon despite the spectacular weather and eating free lunch in the park with a friend, I find myself deeply enraptured in the world of Jungian psychology trying to write a paper on it that will impress my brilliant abnormal psych professor. Jung is my business and a school of thought I've been intrigued by for many years, ever since Mom started reading that damn 'Women who run with the wolves' written by a Jungian focusing on the wild woman archetype, and it changed her life. The collective unconcious makes sense to me, and finding the balance within all of us and all of humanity, well that's just beautiful isn't it? The idea of connections being on a deeep unconcious level is complicated though, and trying to make my thoughts on his theories make sense, well it was a little challenging. I got a flow on it all now though, I just need to call it a day, for today. I have errands and house duties I need to tend to, phonecalls I need to make, and an evening of dancing and drinking to look forward to.
I am also obsessed right now, with what Jung calls the shadow, the dark or oppossite side of your persona/ego. What is my shadow? Has it been haunting me in my dreams, is it this hypersexual phantom that has been mocking and teasing me these past few years? It would make a whole lot of sense, especially with the dreams I've had recently. |
|
|
| woooo |
[Apr. 23rd, 2007|07:57 pm] |
|
I have been in the most incredible mood since the weekend. Bursting with energy of all types, plugged into sockets, wanna scream from rooftops, but instead i'll enjoy hanging out with my friends. I'm actually happy instead of annoyed that there is an ice cream truck parked outside of my apartment blasting la cucuracha. |
|
|
| confession hour |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|02:59 pm] |
Dammit.
I love being in Georgia.
Momma and I just had confession hour, which means i tell tell her everything, and by everything I mean EVERYTHING, and she goes oh yeah I totally did that when I was your age, actually I did that when you were 3 too, and then I feel better about my life.
Yeah.
I've been drinkin for a hot minute, totally had dinner at TGI Fridays. Yup. Amy and I had the most annoying ordeal at the airport, apparantly you have to prepay to get out of the damn lot, we had no idea, neither did anybody else parked in the lot, a half hour later, we eventually get out? Always a damn situation. stupid airport.
There was a bug in my beer earlier. Yeah thas what the south is all about, bug in yr beer. Whut.
Also creepy waiter at bar, hitting on me and calling me boots, due to my awesome attire of purple dress and cowboy boots, he was like 85 or something. GROSS. Also he kept calling my mom, "mom of boots" you know what dude. SHUT UP>
I need to live here now.
Lookin at my future home tomorrow and shit. Whut.
Oh yeah.
Whut.
Okay need to stop. |
|
|
| git it.... |
[Mar. 30th, 2007|01:47 am] |
Oh man.
So I made a decision.
I'm moving.
How appropriate that "Urban Cowboy" is on right now.
I LOVE this movie.
I'll make a nice long post about it later.
By the way who just called me at 1:50 in the morning?
who?
k bye. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2007|01:51 am] |
Today was a fairly good day.
I attended a lecture by a Freudian woman. She had some insights about Freud or I guess a way of looking at his theories that I never thought of before. I was truly intrigued, so now I guess I'll stop being such a hater of psychoanalysis. I still think I'm happiest with Jung. i have so much yet to learn but Jung works so well with expressive therapies....all i wanted to do today was dive into my Jung books or read 'Women who run with the wolves' but I had a lot of studying instead. I did manage to make myself a delicious dinner of pepper steak, baked potato, and spinach salad with homemade balsamic vinegrette. Absolutely delicious. I hung out with the roomies for a while. No drinking for me. now I am so tired though, I have 6 hours of sleep and then my lovely 11 hour day tomorrow. Junebugg is the cutest. My phone is still acting stupid, I'm buying a fancy alarm clock this weekend and that is that. I think I have whiplash from the show last night. Was that last night? It all seems so long ago. |
|
|
| To be humble is a virtue..... |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|03:40 am] |
Sometimes, based on the things that people tell me about myself I feel I should have an ego the size of Montana. The thing is I don't. I hope to god I never do, for to not be humble, means you can never grow. I like growth, I'm a big fan of laying things on the table and people telling me what's up and me telling them the same. It may help that I know a lot of amazing people that should also have egos the size of Montana and don't. I admire these people because they know they are amazing and awesome and fucking talented, and I have no problem telling them how talented they are, but it's not that they don't believe in themselves, they are just humble.
I enjoy and hate the fact that I feel like I should have felt at 20 or 21. I am a full time college student at 26. That's wierd. At 21 I was making $30,000 plus a year as a secretary and miserable. I am fairly happy now and have $20 to my name until I work again, I need to do my laundry, I depend on my mother, what the hell? Tonight I saw some people, a couple saw me at work doing my thing cornered me and were like you are an amazing singer, others saw the show and were like you are a diva, and others were like you are hot. I am none of these things. I am simply a girl who likes to sing, perform, and try to look cute most of the time. I'm just a dude. As much as I love attention, I only like it when it doesn't make me look like an asshole. I don't know.
I talked to my roomate Melissa tonight at length, and realized something really crazy, which I kind of knew but am scared of. As cheesy as it may seem to everyone, me auditioning for Roosevelt was a big deal in my heart, like crazy big deal. That is one of the closest things I did to accomplishing a big dream other then going back to college in general. I honestly didn't think I was good enough, and honestly I almost walked out of the building minutes before my audition 'cause I didn't think I was good enough. That's just so crazy, and I have no idea if I'm gonna get in, and if I do, well that means I did something that my heart truly wanted. I mean I don't know what I will do, maybe spontaneously combust.
I know I can sing. I know I am smart. I just however choose to live as if I have neither of these things, and need to learn how to do them better all the time. What is that? Also I fucking will do anything for the people I truly love. I think Amy is a good example of that. If anyone knows in depth who Amy is then you know what;s up, if not then you probly don't know me that well. AAAAGH! Okay I obviously need to go to sleep too much late night rambling.
My point is........I like having minimal ego no matter how much haters wanna hate, I detest passive aggressiveness, and I give everything to the people I truly love and trust which I can count on one hand, life is good.
I need to remember that.
I think I need to move. urgh. |
|
|
| Change is thick in the air...... |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|02:13 pm] |
It has been a long time since I've posted on livejournal, I keep blogging on myspace, and that is stupid. I need to stop blogging on myspace, and write on this thing, or should I just stop altogether, or write the same things on each one? ugh. who cares.
So lately I've been debating if I'm going to stay in Chicago or move back to Georgia, particularily Athens and attend UGA. I've already changed my fafsa and will be mailing my application for transferring next week. I auditioned and applied for Roosevelt Universities jazz studies program here in Chicago which I basically have paid for, and would set me in this city for another 4 years and I would be graduating with 2 degrees. a bachelors in jazz studies/music performance and a bachelors in Psychology. I am having a really hard time deciding what I want, and want to make sure that I end up in the place where I am going to be happiest and grow the most. I have already grown so much here in Chicago, I miss the south so much. I'm going down for a week in April. When I get home from my vacation I will know if I got accepted by Roosevelt. I will make a final decision when I am down there, and will take the steps to get a GA residency when I'm down there. If I move I will leave at the end of July. A good solid 5 years in Chicago.
2007 is a year of change. Amy is divorcing her husband, people are getting sick with diseases, others are getting married, Michelle is pregnant, my household is changing. Meghan, Melissa's girlfriend is moving out next week. They're still staying together but they are in dire need of space and breathing room. This means our rent goes up, along with the utilities. We are getting rid of the cable and keeping the internet. The cable was such a distraction anyway, it'll be for the best. Besides spring is here and I want to spend more time outside.
I have been very solitary lately. I have been depressed. The sunshine is helping, so is making more money. Last week though, I could not focus on anything. I did nothing but feel sad and bad and sorry for myself. I could barely do my homework, i did bad on a midterm, I didn't really care what I looked like, or smelled like, I didn't do anything around the house but lay there. I didn't want to talk to anybody, and I barely ate any food. It's been a long time since I have been depressed. I'm going to try to work through it though, I'm not feeling completely hopeless or suicidal yet, but I know that I'm going to have to get counseling very soon before it turns into that.
If I stay in town I'm going to need a new band. In a month or so, well probably after versionfest I'll do a call of musicians, and try to get something started.
In a nutshell.
I'm sick of the attitudes from people that I thought were full of love.
I'm happy about new friendships forming, and having my work recognized.
I need to get laid.
I am still happy to be a part of my community, and that this community is growing and changing, there is potential for something truly amazing here, if people stay focused and don't fall too hard into the nasty holes of addiction or ego. |
|
|
| ashamed and humiliated |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|10:49 pm] |
I haven't felt okay since new years eve when I woke up with an old familiar feeling of being hit by a hammer, but not remembering the night before.
I felt like I screwed up.
alienating my friendships, a party monster. a monster.
last night I tried to help a friend who has been out of control for a while and it was an ugly scene. She couldn't drive and I literally ended up shoving her into a cab 'cause she flat out refused to give me her keys. I realize that I am not far from being that disaster myself.
So I'm going to try and do something about it.
yup. |
|
|
| I leave in exactly one week |
[Dec. 13th, 2006|09:46 pm] |
I'm awaiting my final composition 2 fate, the grade on my final monstrosity of a paper, I am feeling super anxious and it's driving me nuts. I was shaking all through my piano final, that's not a good thing when you're trying to play somewhat hard selections on the piano but the teacher seemed to understand that I was nervous. He's a nice guy for the most part just soo boring. I looked at the lineup of classes at Roosevelt what I will have to take in the jazz studies program. Holy crap it's a lot of classes. I thought about taking some of those classes for music here at good old harold washington but I'm not even sure what will transfer, they told me to take music history and literature next semester but then I looked at the class schedule at Roosevelt and I'm going to have to take 4 music history courses, so I don't think a general overview is really going to fly 'cause those 4 cover very specific genres. So instead I'm not going to take ANY music courses next semester, and instead take abnormal and maybe child psychology, a history class, and bum bum bum statistics. I'm only going to take 12 credits, maybe 15 if I get inspired, but I've got my work cut out for me for the next 3 years if I'm going to Roosevelt and double majoring. I mean seriously. I need to only take classes that are going to transfer, or I'm wasting my time.
In a month I will be all applied and awaiting my audition date, that's coming up I have to prepare. I have to sing an opera song, a jazz standard ballad, an uptempo standard with scatting, a bunch of different scales and shit. Yikes. Opera? Scatting? I'm wondering if I should move downtown since I'm going to be married even more to college come next year and will have to always be practicing or working on something that requires a piano, or drive my roomates insane with my constant practicing. What about rehearsals and performances, and craziness. Can I handle this? Am I ready?
I went shopping earlier to alleviate some stress and anxiety and got my roomate Melissa a DVD and my god daughter a book called "Fancy Nancy" it looked right up her alley. I want to buy her all types of stuff, I'm also getting her a movie I can't decide between Lady and the Tramp or Little Mermaid, or Mary Poppins. I also will probably buy her clothing because I can't not buy her clothing, and also some sort of board game.
My period must be coming 'cause I feel crazy right now. I'm running hot and cold. So wierd. |
|
|
| Finals Week |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|06:26 pm] |
Ugh.
Thank freaking god.
I am going to be so happy when this week is over, not that it's even all that stressful I only have 3 tests, the rest were papers, that are almost completed. I just need to do a few more revisions on this one paper and my hell on earth existence of Comp 2 is over. Over. over. over. Man oh man oh man.
So the weekend.
- I didn't make shit for money on friday night, so decided to go out with all my coworkers and proceeded to spend all the money that I did not make. Who is stupid? Who? Oh yeah
+ almost overslept and missed the megabus to Milwaukee, but didn't.
+ slept the entire megabus in a half drunken half zombie state, was fun
+ arrive in Milwaukee ate at Wendy's. Wendy's = #1 hangover cure for me if I'm not puking
+ arrive in Appleton, proceed to have incredible amount of fun with Michelle and all my WI peeps. Things like rum punch, drunken air guitar freakouts, drunken dancing and hijinks, fishnets, cheese and sausage, kerosene, watching videos we made in the 8th grade, laughing at how lame we were in the 8th grade, hip hop adventures, freaking out to a radiohead song at full screaming volume in Michelle's driveway complete with air guitar and I think we both managed to fall down several times throughout the night,love love love.
-having to leave appleton via germantown via Milwaukee, crowded megabus with smelly guy next to me my butt hurt afterwards.
-come home to messy apartment
+ go out with roomate to bar down the street and discuss life
+ sleep
- music theory review. Bored.
+/- finals week
+ going to the ATL soon and seeing some people I haven't seen in a really really long time, and I'm really stoked.
+ My momma told me last night that "Jesus got nappy hair" |
|
|
| It's been a while |
[Dec. 6th, 2006|05:24 pm] |
Okay so I haven't updated in a while.
Let's see......
I got dumped by a yuppie.
My semester is almost over, and I only have 2 major assignments left and like finals next week
I'm going to be in GA for 8 days for christmas break that's exciting
I'm working a bunch before I leave so I'll be able to buy a couple of christmas gifts and maybe have a little spending money.
I'm going to Wisconsin this weekend for one of my best friend Michelle's birthday and annual holiday party.
I think I get internet at my house next week.
I still need an operating system for my computer at home, also a wireless card.
Now a meme I stole from Leslie.
Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2006. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review."
January:
Been here for 3 hours waiting to register.
February:
Last weekend, I decided to try and do all the things I didn't do the weekend before.
March:
Instead of finishing my very tedious, extremely detailed, listening guide to Miles Davis' 'Autumn Leaves' for jazz class, I have been spending my time at kennyloggins.com and listening to certain loggins songs over and over again.
April:
Everything changes so quickly.
May:
My biology presentation went without a hitch and we got all the points needed for it.
June:
What is emotional maturity anyway?
July:
It's like 4 in the morning, I stay up so late.
August:
I don't really post much on here anymore do I?
September:
I woke up and felt strange
I then realized it's cause I actually let my guard down.
October:
Alright this journal has been updated.
November:
+ I'm glad that he knows that I know, and that we are going to leave it at that.
December:
Okay so I haven't updated in a while.
Wow. My entries beginnings are thoroughly boring. Why is this computer lab so hot. I feel like butt.
ta. |
|
|
| Woah! |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|04:45 am] |
Do I love him?
Sometimes I think I might love him.
But I just don't know.
M |
|
|
| elephants out of the room |
[Nov. 2nd, 2006|07:05 pm] |
+ I'm glad that he knows that I know, and that we are going to leave it at that.
- I had a panic attack earlier this week.
+ My friends are really incredible, interesting, funny, intellegent people well not all of them, but the ones that count. I am lucky in many ways.
+ I have the best animals.
- I actually got sick this week, yesterday I had the sick all day, today I'm loaded up on medicines so I could go to school. My throat, my head, my body aches, I am so constantly tired, and dehydrated. Ugh. The sick.
+ I have another date this weekend. I'm excited to see him again.
+ My roomates are incredible women. I love them.
- The Black Crowes are terrible, I cocktailed thier show on halloween and it was like a nightmare rolled up into a jam band rolled up into another nightmare surrounded by a bunch of dudes, that thought it was okay to touch me. Gross.
+ I'm working a bunch next week
+ My rent will be paid this month
- I'm hungry right now
+ The OC begins tonight!!!!!!
Yay!!
m |
|
|
| Change of Season/Shifting |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|06:13 pm] |
Winter approaches.
It is wrapping me up in its arms spiky and cold.
Winter is usually a dramatic transition for me, the beginning of last winter brought the end of my depression, the end of my corporate whoring, a decision to go back to school full time, and a general shift in my life. I see similarities this year as far as shifting, but don't want to get into the details. Last night was a cold night, it was fun and awkward all at the same time. I finally felt like I know what I need to know about certain things, can move on from other things, and what I need to do next.
Maybe I shouldn't be such a hater of the winter. It's actually an inspiring factor in my life. Some of my best work happens when the wind is bitter. I do not leave the house as much, but when I do I take large gasping breaths of clean crisp air.
Pent up rage. I have a lot of pent up rage.
Release.
Tired of being so calm, tired of being so reasonable, understanding, and loving.
Yes these are all a part of me that will always be there, but I need a new release and I'm not going to use sex anymore. |
|
|
| midterms, no money, starbucks |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|05:24 pm] |
Today I went to a job fair at Starbucks.
I know, what a sell out thing to do, but you see I'm a full time nerd/student that needs to not be working at a karaoke bar anymore, and I am in dire need of insurance. At starbucks you can work 20 hours a week and get insurance. Nevermind that I could make in one night what I would probably make in a week at starbucks, but you see, I really need insurance and something that isn't going to completely play a large role in the ruin of my psyche. Also I need to start thinking about things like quitting smoking, and continue this whole only going out twice a week thing I've been doing. This whole not drinking a lot I can't praise it enough. I actually feel good when I wake up in the morning. It has been way too long since that has happened, like years. Not counting the times when I could sleep as late as I wanted 'cause it didn't matter (ahem, summer). I mean I wake up early and I feel alright, I walk the dog, trot to school. I can focus, I get more accomplished. Wow oh wow oh wow.
Last night we had our first experiment night. Every wednesday my roomates and I test out an experiment on our friend Jenny. The experiment is based on maybe an urban legend or a rumor that is basically common knowledge, or silly or something. We might do a science fair at the end of our run with complete display boards. So last night we took two halves of a potato and soaked them in vodka for 3 hours. Cheap vodka. Then we placed the vodka soaked potatos under Jenny's armpits and left them there for about an hour to see if she would get drunk. We concluded that it does indeed work but it is not a pleasent drunk and that it is difficult to stand up, and your brain gets confused because you cannot taste any alcohol and your stomach is not full like when you're usually drunk.
Next wedensday we're going to see if it's true if you put drops of visine in a drink that it gives you explosive diaarea. Jenny will be our test subject again.
Poor thing.
I took my fiction midterm today, it was kind of difficult, but I think I did alright on it.
Tonight I'm going out!
I don't gotta study for nuttin. |
|
|
| I have clean clothes |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|11:38 am] |
This whole not drinking every day thing, has done wonders.
Saturday I went out to dinner with my roomates Melissa and Jackie and Melissa's girlfriend Meghan. We had sushi, it had been so long since I had sushi that I forgot what it tasted like, and it was quite delicious. Green tea ice cream as well. This was followed by a drink at the beachwood and I parted ways with a little special delivery and went over to Jon Z's birthday party. It was nice to see my friends, I haven't been out as much lately, shared the wealth, had a few drinks. Vanessa met up with us and we ventured towards disco dance party only to be there for 20 minutes, busted by the cops 'cause some stupid kid threw a bottle at the cops. Who does that? Seriously?
I opted out of seeing one of my favorite bands perform last night in favor of studying, and staying in to drink tea. My new favorite beverage is tea preferably peppermint. I also did loads of laundry, something I haven't done in months. Sounds pretty gross doesn't it? That's because it's extremely gross, I have lots of clothes, and about 2 months worth of underwear, and I do handwash stuff if things start getting super knarly, but now I have a washer and dryer in my building. There is no excuse for not always having fresh and clean laundry.
The massive job hunt begins today, I'm working at the Riviera tomorrow night, and I may just decide to work at starbucks. I need something with insurance, I gotta do something about my uterus, my teeth need massive amounts of work, and my arthritis is starting to flare up again. Also I probably need to see a psychologist on a regular basis. While I'm nowhere near as sad as I was last week, and have pulled myself back together by not overindulging once a day, I still have problems that I need to work out, and I am not about to burden my friends with them.
I have some plans for my near future.
-quit smoking. I said I was going to do it this year, and the fact that I have never in my life even tried to quit, well that's sad. My first major attempt will be probly in a month or so, we shall see. I've already cut back. I was up to 2 packs a day for a minute there (that's disgusting), I am now down to about 3/4 of a pack a day. I'm hoping to reduce it to half, and that should make quitting a little bit easier, I'm thinking of doing hypnosis or getting the patch, this also leads to the next thing 'cause I'm about to invest a lot of time, dedication, and money into my voice. I gotta stop ruining it.
-I'm going to stay in chicago for the next few years, and not move to philly as I originally planned. I'm going to try to get into the jazz studies program at Roosevelt's music conservatory. It looks really tough to get into, but they have a good program. I can be dually enrolled at Harold Washington too, so I can continue to get gen ed's here and take music classes there, I will also double major in psychology. Crazy huh? I can handle it.
-I have been asked to lend my voice to a recording project. We are recording this saturday, I am really excited.
- I'm going to put together a cabaret/piano bar thingy for the spring, so I can make money doing the things I like to do, I am also going to try to come up with more ideas in this vein. I'll work a bullshit job if I have to, but I prefer being happy, I can handle being poor.
- healthy living/healthy eating. Winter is approaching, I am not going to gain my usual 15 pounds. I gotta stay healthy and active.
I don't know that's all for now. Midterms are upon me. I will probably stay in hiding, and go out every once in a while.
We're having a halloween party on the 28th. I'm going to be gold for halloween.
sweet. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2006|07:33 pm] |
Working at Louie's is now the most depressing shit ever. We are no longer allowed to drink so I have to deal with this drunk fools while drinking diet coke and water all night. I got so annoyed and bored, and I just had a miserable evening. I at least made a little bit of money, but left so irritated and sad. I wanted to hang out with friends but that wasn't happening. I ended up getting a six pack and watching freaks and geeks. Unfortunately I found out that one of my friends was robbed last night, his computer, bank card, money, other things. I felt awful.
People are messed up.
Tonight is a disco dance party. I'm excited.
It's also Amy's birthday and 8 million other people's birthday. |
|
|
| I've been slacking |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|06:25 pm] |
Alright this journal has been updated.
I'm going to write a novel later on today, I promise. The call of curried fried chicken and red beans and rice is too strong though. I must I must eat the leftovers from dinner last night before my afternoon of psychology class/club.
I didn't drink last night.
Woah.
Not drinking tonight either.
Double woah,
I won't drink friday night either 'cause we're no longer allowed to drink while we're working.
lame.
So, this is sober.
Interesting. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mulheffa's journal